Everyone has 2 Buckets
Have you heard this before? Everyone has 2 buckets that need to be filled: attention and power. The attention bucket gets filled when we spend time together. Summer is a great opportunity to put family activities on the calendar. As we make plans for summer, you know by now that I hope you have time together as a family. Nothing builds good relationships better than time together. Maybe the trip you planned for in 2020 is going to happen this year, or maybe you are staying home. Either way, be sure you schedule family time. Use that time to model good listening to your children. Make eye contact and let them explain their ideas, thoughts, and feelings to you. You want your children to fully receive your attention. One goal we have as parents is that our kids feel seen, heard, and understood. From there, attachment and a sense of belonging grows.
Now, what about the power bucket?
Kids’ power buckets get filled when they feel a sense of control. So allow your children some kid-friendly choices based on their ages. The trick is to give children choices only within what you consider to be acceptable. Don't offer choices if there aren't any. If all children are expected to wash their hands, state your expectation: "Come wash your hands now," rather than asking them, "Would you like to wash your hands now?" Consider allowing your child to make some of the following choices:
Enjoy your time together this summer!
Now, what about the power bucket?
Kids’ power buckets get filled when they feel a sense of control. So allow your children some kid-friendly choices based on their ages. The trick is to give children choices only within what you consider to be acceptable. Don't offer choices if there aren't any. If all children are expected to wash their hands, state your expectation: "Come wash your hands now," rather than asking them, "Would you like to wash your hands now?" Consider allowing your child to make some of the following choices:
- Snacks Offer a variety of snacks and drink choices. This isn’t always possible, but when it is, do it. If all the choices meet your approval, then let the child choose.
- Clothes
- Books As soon as a child is old enough to show you what book they want, let them start to choose.
- Seat Let your children decide where to sit at the dinner table.
- Order of chores Let them choose what they do first. When it really doesn’t matter what order something is done as long as it’s done, make it a choice.
- Solutions Children can solve their own problems. Instead of solving your child’s problem, give them a chance to solve it on their own. You can coach them through it without taking control. You can help by offering two choices if your child feels ‘stuck.’
Enjoy your time together this summer!
“How do you do that?!” Part 2
In the last newsletter, I wrote about how it is our job as parents to show calm to our upset kids. But, really, “How do you do that?” What if at that moment you don’t have any calm to share?"
To review: first, pay attention to your nutrition, activity level, and sleep. You need to take care of your overall health and wellness. Second, “self-talk” is powerful. This could mean you think “I can do this. I can stay calm.” Let’s add to that. It might help to think about a strategy called rational detachment. Rational detachment is the ability to manage your own behavior and attitude and not take the behavior of others (including your child’s meltdown) personally. Rational detachment makes it much easier to stay calm throughout difficult situations. Tell yourself, “This may not be about the two of us; it may be about something else entirely.” Remind yourself that you don’t know everything about a person and their motivations, and to not take challenging behavior as a personal attack. Your child did not come with a parenting manual. Parenting is complicated.
There are many factors you can’t control during a meltdown but you can control your own behavior. Your Child Needs You to Stay Calm.
Rational Detachment is required so you can respond appropriately. We make better decisions when we’re calm and rational, able to think things through, see other possible solutions, and respond to difficult situations appropriately. This is something most of us can do most of the time. But there will be those times…. So, be ready. Have a plan for when you are in a difficult parenting situation. Think about what your ideal parenting response would look like if it was exactly as you would want it to be.
Keeping as calm as possible makes a world of difference in how a situation can turn out. I hope Rational Detachment can be a light that can help you be more and more like the parent you want to be.
To review: first, pay attention to your nutrition, activity level, and sleep. You need to take care of your overall health and wellness. Second, “self-talk” is powerful. This could mean you think “I can do this. I can stay calm.” Let’s add to that. It might help to think about a strategy called rational detachment. Rational detachment is the ability to manage your own behavior and attitude and not take the behavior of others (including your child’s meltdown) personally. Rational detachment makes it much easier to stay calm throughout difficult situations. Tell yourself, “This may not be about the two of us; it may be about something else entirely.” Remind yourself that you don’t know everything about a person and their motivations, and to not take challenging behavior as a personal attack. Your child did not come with a parenting manual. Parenting is complicated.
There are many factors you can’t control during a meltdown but you can control your own behavior. Your Child Needs You to Stay Calm.
Rational Detachment is required so you can respond appropriately. We make better decisions when we’re calm and rational, able to think things through, see other possible solutions, and respond to difficult situations appropriately. This is something most of us can do most of the time. But there will be those times…. So, be ready. Have a plan for when you are in a difficult parenting situation. Think about what your ideal parenting response would look like if it was exactly as you would want it to be.
Keeping as calm as possible makes a world of difference in how a situation can turn out. I hope Rational Detachment can be a light that can help you be more and more like the parent you want to be.
“How do you do that?!” Part 1
All of our Milne Grove students are engaged in some remote learning each week. When children are learning from home, there is no way around it, there are more expectations for the parents than when kids are in school every day. At District 91 we want to support you as much as possible, and unfortunately, having your wonderful children in our schools 5 days a week is not possible.
Parents are working, and helping their children, and dealing with the stress of finances, and handling chores and dealing with the ways the pandemic is affecting our lives. It’s more than a lot! It can make us angry, irritated, frustrated. But what do we do when our children lose their calm and ‘flip their lids’? It is our job as parents to show calm to our upset kids. But given everything we know we parents are doing, and how we have a lot of big feelings ourselves, “How do you do that? What if at that moment you don’t have any calm to share?"
Those are great questions! Acting calm when you are upset is not easy! That’s the truth. But it is possible. As I have written in newsletters earlier this year, first, pay attention to your nutrition, activity level, and sleep. You need to take care of your overall health and wellness. Second, as I teach your children in class, “self-talk” is powerful. For me, when my kids are pushing my buttons, I take a deep breath and tell myself “I can do this. I can stay calm.” My husband, on the other hand, has pretty different self talk. For him, it’s all a competition. He plays a game in his head that if our child gets him to lose it, the child wins. So he puts on his game face and tells himself to “Win This!” Lastly, plan in advance. Practice being calm when you are already calm. You can breathe deeply, listen to music, be deliberate about enjoying your coffee or tea, doodle, hold your pet, journal, visualize a peaceful place, take a warm bath, practice yoga, watch your favorite show, knit, read, or whatever helps you feel centered and relaxed. It definitely takes practice, so try scheduling some of these activities into your day everyday. Your future self will thank you, because the next time your child loses his calm, you can use your strategy to stay calm and model calm to him.
Contact me at [email protected]
Parents are working, and helping their children, and dealing with the stress of finances, and handling chores and dealing with the ways the pandemic is affecting our lives. It’s more than a lot! It can make us angry, irritated, frustrated. But what do we do when our children lose their calm and ‘flip their lids’? It is our job as parents to show calm to our upset kids. But given everything we know we parents are doing, and how we have a lot of big feelings ourselves, “How do you do that? What if at that moment you don’t have any calm to share?"
Those are great questions! Acting calm when you are upset is not easy! That’s the truth. But it is possible. As I have written in newsletters earlier this year, first, pay attention to your nutrition, activity level, and sleep. You need to take care of your overall health and wellness. Second, as I teach your children in class, “self-talk” is powerful. For me, when my kids are pushing my buttons, I take a deep breath and tell myself “I can do this. I can stay calm.” My husband, on the other hand, has pretty different self talk. For him, it’s all a competition. He plays a game in his head that if our child gets him to lose it, the child wins. So he puts on his game face and tells himself to “Win This!” Lastly, plan in advance. Practice being calm when you are already calm. You can breathe deeply, listen to music, be deliberate about enjoying your coffee or tea, doodle, hold your pet, journal, visualize a peaceful place, take a warm bath, practice yoga, watch your favorite show, knit, read, or whatever helps you feel centered and relaxed. It definitely takes practice, so try scheduling some of these activities into your day everyday. Your future self will thank you, because the next time your child loses his calm, you can use your strategy to stay calm and model calm to him.
Contact me at [email protected]
Responding to Our Children’s Struggles January 2021
How do you respond if your child says, “I am stupid!”? What do you say to build their confidence?
Alexandra Eidens, Chief Creator at BigLifeJournal.com, writes about this struggle. She knows it’s very hard for us to hear our children talking negatively about themselves, and our immediate reaction is to deny their statements and say things like, “No, you’re not!” or “You’re smart, what are you talking about?” Here’s more of what Alexandra has to say:
“Unfortunately, when we do that our children simply feel unheard and not understood. Remember, your relationship with your child depends on whether or not they feel heard and understood. This is critical. The more you listen without trying to correct their thoughts and feelings, the stronger your connection will be.
Instead of arguing with their negative self-talk, listen and empathize. You can say: “I am sorry you feel this way. It must be very hard. I wish you could see yourself just like I do: a beautiful, kind, loving, caring child…” Also, take it further by asking questions (if you feel like they’re in the mood to talk about it). “I am sorry to hear you feel that way, honey. What makes you think that?”
“That’s a big feeling… Can you tell me more about it?” Get your children talking instead of telling them what they should be thinking and feeling. Validate their feelings instead of pushing their negative feelings away.”
In District 91, the administration and school board values your child’s mental health. There is a full time social worker in each building. Social workers are for all of the children, not just a certain group of children. Certainly you are aware of the SEL program at Milne Grove since your child attends a Google Meet session every Wednesday. This instructional time is dedicated to the social emotional learning standards set forth by the Illinois State Board of Education. Social workers can also provide more individualized services. There is no special form to use or process to complete. So please contact me if your child is struggling. You do not need to wait until parent-teacher conferences or some designated time to reach out. Contact me in whichever manner is best for you. Send me a message on Parent Square, email me, call me, or leave me a message through my website. Sometimes a child is part of a small group or receives individual social work services because something is interfering with his/her learning. Other times social workers can support parents with suggestions, resources, or combine efforts to provide a reward system. Together we will figure out how your unique child is best supported.
Alexandra Eidens, Chief Creator at BigLifeJournal.com, writes about this struggle. She knows it’s very hard for us to hear our children talking negatively about themselves, and our immediate reaction is to deny their statements and say things like, “No, you’re not!” or “You’re smart, what are you talking about?” Here’s more of what Alexandra has to say:
“Unfortunately, when we do that our children simply feel unheard and not understood. Remember, your relationship with your child depends on whether or not they feel heard and understood. This is critical. The more you listen without trying to correct their thoughts and feelings, the stronger your connection will be.
Instead of arguing with their negative self-talk, listen and empathize. You can say: “I am sorry you feel this way. It must be very hard. I wish you could see yourself just like I do: a beautiful, kind, loving, caring child…” Also, take it further by asking questions (if you feel like they’re in the mood to talk about it). “I am sorry to hear you feel that way, honey. What makes you think that?”
“That’s a big feeling… Can you tell me more about it?” Get your children talking instead of telling them what they should be thinking and feeling. Validate their feelings instead of pushing their negative feelings away.”
In District 91, the administration and school board values your child’s mental health. There is a full time social worker in each building. Social workers are for all of the children, not just a certain group of children. Certainly you are aware of the SEL program at Milne Grove since your child attends a Google Meet session every Wednesday. This instructional time is dedicated to the social emotional learning standards set forth by the Illinois State Board of Education. Social workers can also provide more individualized services. There is no special form to use or process to complete. So please contact me if your child is struggling. You do not need to wait until parent-teacher conferences or some designated time to reach out. Contact me in whichever manner is best for you. Send me a message on Parent Square, email me, call me, or leave me a message through my website. Sometimes a child is part of a small group or receives individual social work services because something is interfering with his/her learning. Other times social workers can support parents with suggestions, resources, or combine efforts to provide a reward system. Together we will figure out how your unique child is best supported.
The Most Challenging Parenting Struggles Nov/Dec 2020
Here we are. Still in the situation we were in months ago. Just because time is passing, doesn’t mean that parenting and helping our kids with school on the computer is easier. We might just be really tired of it all!
We don’t have to get our parenting “right” all the time. We can make mistakes. We can call for a do-over. We can allow ourselves to be less than perfect.
But then, let’s remember that time spent focusing on our relationship with our kids is time well spent! Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, PhD, a clinical psychologist explains, “Kids can’t learn if they’re not feeling safe and loved. If there’s a strain in the connections at home, and it feels very tense and miserable, your child’s brain isn’t going to take in what they’re learning because they’re stressed and angry. Your relationship is the precursor for everything else falling into place.”
An article on childmind.org has advice to manage some of the most challenging parenting struggles we have right now. Here are the main points:
You’re doing a lot of yelling
“Let’s be honest,” says Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “It’s not as though parents didn’t yell at their kids before. But since things are more stressful right now, parents need to be extra conscious of their own big three: nutrition, activity level and sleep. They impact our mood, as well as our ability to problem solve, stay calm, concentrate and focus. If any of those things are really off, which is likely right now, it can have a major impact on your ability to be your best self.” When you do lose your cool, apologize for yelling and let them know you will work hard to do better.
“If we look at it from their perspective, we are their safe place,” says Dr. Hershberg. “We are the person from whom they seek reassurance. Your kids want extra connections with you.” So take care of your nutrition, exercise and sleep so you can provide them more of what they need.
Everyone needs your help at the same time
What parents are being asked to do is difficult or potentially impossible, so you need to prioritize. Most importantly, make sure everyone is safe and their basic needs are met. Next, determine what you and your children can realistically accomplish.
You’re throwing tantrums
We know it’s our job to model appropriate behavior. But we are human after all. Once you begin to throw a tantrum, it’s hard to rein it in, so plan in advance. For example, when you feel yourself getting upset, take some quiet time to yourself — even if it’s just five minutes in the bathroom.
When you can, it’s also helpful to be proactive about recharging. Scheduling small amounts of time to do things you enjoy can be a way to head off your own frustration before it starts. Try setting aside 15 minutes for reading, exercise, or whatever else helps you feel centered. Remembering that this time is there for you can be a source of calm in especially challenging moments.
Your kids aren’t technologically savvy
Children are struggling to log on, use a mouse correctly, manage the various apps, or even send an email. Staying calm until they get it is difficult.
To alleviate your frustration, set aside some time to review the technology together so you can teach your children the skills they need. Create a list of common computer problems. Create a plan of what they can do if the problem occurs, then write it down. Think of it as building independence.
Reduce stress by celebrating successes, no matter how small
No matter how someone tries to spin it, this is a difficult time. Celebrate the small victories each day. “Make a daily list of what you did well,” advises Dr. Lee. “Did we all get dressed or half-dressed? Did everyone bathe today? Did we get most of our work done and then go on a family walk? Those are all victories!”
You can find the full article at https://childmind.org/article/coronavirus-parenting-managing-anger-and-frustration/
If you are in need of help to calm yourself or you just don’t know what to do, call the Crisis Line of Will County any time day or night at 815-722-3344. Someone will answer 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you prefer to send a text, contact the Crisis Text Line at 741741. Text HOME, or any word, and you will get a reply. You are not alone. Ask for help when you need it; you and your children are worth it!
Contact me at [email protected] and read my blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/
We don’t have to get our parenting “right” all the time. We can make mistakes. We can call for a do-over. We can allow ourselves to be less than perfect.
But then, let’s remember that time spent focusing on our relationship with our kids is time well spent! Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, PhD, a clinical psychologist explains, “Kids can’t learn if they’re not feeling safe and loved. If there’s a strain in the connections at home, and it feels very tense and miserable, your child’s brain isn’t going to take in what they’re learning because they’re stressed and angry. Your relationship is the precursor for everything else falling into place.”
An article on childmind.org has advice to manage some of the most challenging parenting struggles we have right now. Here are the main points:
You’re doing a lot of yelling
“Let’s be honest,” says Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “It’s not as though parents didn’t yell at their kids before. But since things are more stressful right now, parents need to be extra conscious of their own big three: nutrition, activity level and sleep. They impact our mood, as well as our ability to problem solve, stay calm, concentrate and focus. If any of those things are really off, which is likely right now, it can have a major impact on your ability to be your best self.” When you do lose your cool, apologize for yelling and let them know you will work hard to do better.
“If we look at it from their perspective, we are their safe place,” says Dr. Hershberg. “We are the person from whom they seek reassurance. Your kids want extra connections with you.” So take care of your nutrition, exercise and sleep so you can provide them more of what they need.
Everyone needs your help at the same time
What parents are being asked to do is difficult or potentially impossible, so you need to prioritize. Most importantly, make sure everyone is safe and their basic needs are met. Next, determine what you and your children can realistically accomplish.
You’re throwing tantrums
We know it’s our job to model appropriate behavior. But we are human after all. Once you begin to throw a tantrum, it’s hard to rein it in, so plan in advance. For example, when you feel yourself getting upset, take some quiet time to yourself — even if it’s just five minutes in the bathroom.
When you can, it’s also helpful to be proactive about recharging. Scheduling small amounts of time to do things you enjoy can be a way to head off your own frustration before it starts. Try setting aside 15 minutes for reading, exercise, or whatever else helps you feel centered. Remembering that this time is there for you can be a source of calm in especially challenging moments.
Your kids aren’t technologically savvy
Children are struggling to log on, use a mouse correctly, manage the various apps, or even send an email. Staying calm until they get it is difficult.
To alleviate your frustration, set aside some time to review the technology together so you can teach your children the skills they need. Create a list of common computer problems. Create a plan of what they can do if the problem occurs, then write it down. Think of it as building independence.
Reduce stress by celebrating successes, no matter how small
No matter how someone tries to spin it, this is a difficult time. Celebrate the small victories each day. “Make a daily list of what you did well,” advises Dr. Lee. “Did we all get dressed or half-dressed? Did everyone bathe today? Did we get most of our work done and then go on a family walk? Those are all victories!”
You can find the full article at https://childmind.org/article/coronavirus-parenting-managing-anger-and-frustration/
If you are in need of help to calm yourself or you just don’t know what to do, call the Crisis Line of Will County any time day or night at 815-722-3344. Someone will answer 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you prefer to send a text, contact the Crisis Text Line at 741741. Text HOME, or any word, and you will get a reply. You are not alone. Ask for help when you need it; you and your children are worth it!
Contact me at [email protected] and read my blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/
4 Ways Your Child’s ‘Naughty’ Behavior Might Not Be Naughty
Erin Leyba wrote about our children’s behavior for “Psychology Today.” She explained some ways in which we as parents should understand our children’s behavior and what might be really going on. “Many of kids' so-called "naughty" behaviors are developmental and human.” So just like I tell your children, and do myself, take a slow deep breath, and then consider if Erin Leyba might be right about some of your child’s ‘naughty’ behavior.
4. That “naughtiness” might be the opposite of your child’s strength.
Erin writes,” We all have strengths that can also trip us up. Maybe we’re incredibly focused, but can’t transition very easily. Maybe we’re intuitive and sensitive, but take on other people’s negative moods like a sponge. Kids are similar: They may be driven in school, but have difficulty coping when they mess up (e.g. yelling when they make a mistake). They may be cautious and safe, but resistant to new activities (e.g. refusing to go to baseball practice). Recognizing when a child's unwelcome behaviors are really the flip side of their strengths—just like ours—can help us react with more understanding.”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201705/not-naughty-10-ways-kids-appear-be-acting-bad-arent
- Your child loves interacting with you.
- Your child might be reacting to your emotions.
- Your child notices when you are not consistent.
4. That “naughtiness” might be the opposite of your child’s strength.
Erin writes,” We all have strengths that can also trip us up. Maybe we’re incredibly focused, but can’t transition very easily. Maybe we’re intuitive and sensitive, but take on other people’s negative moods like a sponge. Kids are similar: They may be driven in school, but have difficulty coping when they mess up (e.g. yelling when they make a mistake). They may be cautious and safe, but resistant to new activities (e.g. refusing to go to baseball practice). Recognizing when a child's unwelcome behaviors are really the flip side of their strengths—just like ours—can help us react with more understanding.”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201705/not-naughty-10-ways-kids-appear-be-acting-bad-arent
The Maddening Stress of Balancing Work and Parenting September 2020
During SEL Live on September 9 your child and I reviewed vocabulary for emotions (feeling words) and discussed that there are comfortable and uncomfortable feelings. Feelings aren't bad as much as they are uncomfortable. We don’t like how they feel. But all feelings are part of who we are, and we can learn from them. It is important to realize that all feelings come and go. Comfortable and uncomfortable feelings will pass. We enjoy riding the wave of excitement. But we can realize that anger and frustration are waves, too. They will settle down and go away.
Authors Yael Schonbrun and Elizabeth Corey wrote about accepting our feelings and our situation regarding COVID-19, shutdowns, and remote learning for our children. Their full article is worth your time if you have a few minutes. I’ll give you my take-aways here.
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/working_parents_are_angry_but_what_can_we_do?utm_source=Greater+Good+Science+Center&utm_campaign=6dba9b1f53-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_GG_Newsletter_SEPTEMBER_3&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-6dba9b1f53-74706648
Authors Yael Schonbrun and Elizabeth Corey wrote about accepting our feelings and our situation regarding COVID-19, shutdowns, and remote learning for our children. Their full article is worth your time if you have a few minutes. I’ll give you my take-aways here.
- It’s only possible for both parents to both work when all the kids are in school. Working parents are angry and frustrated with remote learning and lack of child care options.
- There are, quite simply, no good solutions to be had. Not every problem can be solved. So, here we are: Parents can’t solve the problems we face in a pandemic, as individuals, and it isn’t likely that we will stop feeling anger and frustration.
- What can we do? In a word: Accept. We can stop fighting the situation, if only in our heads. Accepting pandemic realities doesn’t mean resigning ourselves to them. Rather, it means we don’t waste energy expecting a situation outside of our control to be different than it is.
- “When we talk about acceptance, we’re talking about acceptance of our internal experiences, not endorsing an external situation with a stamp of approval,” says Jill Stoddard, clinical psychologist and author of Be Mighty.
- Uncomfortable emotions are like quicksand. The harder we try to resist them, the more our discomfort intensifies.
- For most working parents, the anger we feel right now is not (exclusively) a sign that someone or something has wronged us. Rather, it’s a signal that we are going through an exceedingly difficult period. Our anger indicates that things beyond our control are wearing us out and asking more of us than we can possibly deliver.
- Once you notice rage coming, pause. In that pause, engage a behavior that calms you. You can use common grounding strategies like breathing deeply, splashing water on your face, calling a friend, or labeling your emotions aloud or in writing. Each of these activities helps to calm the limbic system and gets the prefrontal cortex re-engaged.
- Practice choosing a deliberate response to your anger. Ask yourself, “What do I need most in this moment?”
- Take heart: Locking yourself in your bathroom can be healing if you appreciate the solitude of that one minute. Being deliberate in choosing action brings small pleasures and has the added benefit of preventing you from inflicting damage on relationships with your children or partner.
- Anger will continue to come and go, depending on the day’s challenges and the latest news. Work on accepting that. When you do get a rare opportunity to enjoy your tea or coffee, make a more deliberate choice. Savor the moment. Stockpile serenity whenever you can.
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/working_parents_are_angry_but_what_can_we_do?utm_source=Greater+Good+Science+Center&utm_campaign=6dba9b1f53-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_GG_Newsletter_SEPTEMBER_3&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-6dba9b1f53-74706648
May 2020 The Summer of Stay at Home Restrictions
As remote learning comes to an end, our feelings of uncertainty don’t. No, the uncertainty continues into summer. It’s important to understand that each of us may have similar thoughts and feelings about the restrictions in place. We also may have very different thoughts and feelings about what summer will bring.
The primary goal of “Mindfulness” is to be in the moment without judgement. To think that thought or feel that feeling without immediately deciding what to do with it. That is the beginning of self awareness. (It is also the first goal that the Illinois State Board of Education lists for Social and Emotional Learning Standards.)
As parents we so often want to protect our children from the disappointment of canceled activities or the worry that comes with uncertainty. It is important for our children to have some space to feel their feelings and think their thoughts. Ask them “What are some of your feelings?” Then ask them, “What else do you feel?” Let them explain. They may feel something that goes along with your feelings. They may have a completely different emotion. Give them time to figure it out. Be a safe person for a child to share his/her feelings. It’s important that your child feels safe, especially now with the public health crisis.
It is helpful that children label their feeling. If they can name it, it helps develop their self awareness even more. Here’s a short list of some ‘feelings vocabulary:’ happy, excited, accepted, loved, calm, afraid, certain, embarrassed, rejected, proud, confident, curious, worried, scared, nervous, frustrated, nervous, surprised, lonely, disappointed, confused.
The next step is the self-management that needs to go along with our feelings and thoughts. Many skills were developed during the social emotional lessons at Milne Grove this year. Ask your child if he/she remembers any of the strategies or skills he/she learned in Morning Mindfulness. Some of the students’ favorites were hot chocolate breath, moving their bodies to music and being aware of how the music made them feel, and visualizing a positive place. We all need strategies for ‘taking a moment’ to decide what to do with our feelings. We are self regulated when we don’t let feelings dictate what we do and say. Instead we pay attention to the situation and make a decision about what is the best thing to do or say right now.
Please take time this summer to talk with your child about thoughts and feelings. Watch movies and read books together and talk about the emotions the characters experience. “What did the character feel?” “How could you tell?” “Did the character make a good decision about what to do with that feeling?”
Your children learn so much from you! You provide them connection and love. People can’t learn anything without having connection and safety. Your family is your child’s place of belonging. Enjoy spending time together this summer! Have fun in new and creative ways!
~Mrs. Reynolds
[email protected]
815.838.0542 ext. 2103
The primary goal of “Mindfulness” is to be in the moment without judgement. To think that thought or feel that feeling without immediately deciding what to do with it. That is the beginning of self awareness. (It is also the first goal that the Illinois State Board of Education lists for Social and Emotional Learning Standards.)
As parents we so often want to protect our children from the disappointment of canceled activities or the worry that comes with uncertainty. It is important for our children to have some space to feel their feelings and think their thoughts. Ask them “What are some of your feelings?” Then ask them, “What else do you feel?” Let them explain. They may feel something that goes along with your feelings. They may have a completely different emotion. Give them time to figure it out. Be a safe person for a child to share his/her feelings. It’s important that your child feels safe, especially now with the public health crisis.
It is helpful that children label their feeling. If they can name it, it helps develop their self awareness even more. Here’s a short list of some ‘feelings vocabulary:’ happy, excited, accepted, loved, calm, afraid, certain, embarrassed, rejected, proud, confident, curious, worried, scared, nervous, frustrated, nervous, surprised, lonely, disappointed, confused.
The next step is the self-management that needs to go along with our feelings and thoughts. Many skills were developed during the social emotional lessons at Milne Grove this year. Ask your child if he/she remembers any of the strategies or skills he/she learned in Morning Mindfulness. Some of the students’ favorites were hot chocolate breath, moving their bodies to music and being aware of how the music made them feel, and visualizing a positive place. We all need strategies for ‘taking a moment’ to decide what to do with our feelings. We are self regulated when we don’t let feelings dictate what we do and say. Instead we pay attention to the situation and make a decision about what is the best thing to do or say right now.
Please take time this summer to talk with your child about thoughts and feelings. Watch movies and read books together and talk about the emotions the characters experience. “What did the character feel?” “How could you tell?” “Did the character make a good decision about what to do with that feeling?”
Your children learn so much from you! You provide them connection and love. People can’t learn anything without having connection and safety. Your family is your child’s place of belonging. Enjoy spending time together this summer! Have fun in new and creative ways!
~Mrs. Reynolds
[email protected]
815.838.0542 ext. 2103
April 2020 The Value of Play
Parents have told me that the amount of assignments their children had this week (April 6-10) was better for them. They said the weeks before spring break involved too many assignments that demanded too much help from parents. I hope you are feeling better about your child’s education this week.
If you feel there are fewer assignments now and you miss the amount of assignments there were to do before spring break, I want to reassure you that your children are still learning. There is a lot of value in playing!
Dr. Peter Gray, a research professor of psychology at Boston College, has been researching the role of play in how children educate themselves, through play and exploration. In his blog for “Psychology Today,” Dr. Gray said that the school closures due to COVID-19 are an opportunity. He believes that as a culture we put too much value on measuring children’s education with standardized tests and in turn we limit their freedom with adult-led activities and homework. Dr. Gray explains that education is everything we have learned that makes life meaningful for each of us, and it is different for each person. He feels strongly that play is how kids learn, and play is an important part of what makes us human.
Dr. Gray believes that “parents need to be reminded of or need to remind themselves of, how much is learned in free play. Sometimes, when I speak to groups of parents, I raise this question: If you think deeply about it, what really are your hopes and dreams for your children? Do you want them to be happy, to know how to make and keep good friends, to be generous and caring, to feel in charge of their own lives and comfortable in their own skin, and to discover and pursue their own passionate interests? If so, then you need to allow them lots of time to play, as that is how children develop these traits.
To become educated is to learn who you are and what you love to do, to find your place in the world, and to learn how to take charge of your own life and solve your own problems. All of this requires freedom to play and explore, unfettered by adult control, the kind of freedom that most children had in quantity decades ago but not today. Now, thanks to all these shutdowns, children have an opportunity to experiment with freedom, if we allow it.”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-learn/202003/coronavirus-school-closures-educational-opportunity
So take this opportunity for your children to spend a lot of time directing their own play. It is okay for your children to not have anything to do. They will find creative ways to fill that time.
Notes about Remote Learning at Milne Grove:
Please reach out to me for anything you want to talk about or with which you might need some assistance. Email or call me any time any day!
I will be available to reply to emails and voice mails and take phone calls at least every weekday from 9:00 - 10:00 and 1:00 - 2:00. These are my “Office Hours” for remote learning.
Talk to you soon!
~Mrs. Reynolds
[email protected]
815.838.0542 ext. 2103
If you feel there are fewer assignments now and you miss the amount of assignments there were to do before spring break, I want to reassure you that your children are still learning. There is a lot of value in playing!
Dr. Peter Gray, a research professor of psychology at Boston College, has been researching the role of play in how children educate themselves, through play and exploration. In his blog for “Psychology Today,” Dr. Gray said that the school closures due to COVID-19 are an opportunity. He believes that as a culture we put too much value on measuring children’s education with standardized tests and in turn we limit their freedom with adult-led activities and homework. Dr. Gray explains that education is everything we have learned that makes life meaningful for each of us, and it is different for each person. He feels strongly that play is how kids learn, and play is an important part of what makes us human.
Dr. Gray believes that “parents need to be reminded of or need to remind themselves of, how much is learned in free play. Sometimes, when I speak to groups of parents, I raise this question: If you think deeply about it, what really are your hopes and dreams for your children? Do you want them to be happy, to know how to make and keep good friends, to be generous and caring, to feel in charge of their own lives and comfortable in their own skin, and to discover and pursue their own passionate interests? If so, then you need to allow them lots of time to play, as that is how children develop these traits.
To become educated is to learn who you are and what you love to do, to find your place in the world, and to learn how to take charge of your own life and solve your own problems. All of this requires freedom to play and explore, unfettered by adult control, the kind of freedom that most children had in quantity decades ago but not today. Now, thanks to all these shutdowns, children have an opportunity to experiment with freedom, if we allow it.”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-learn/202003/coronavirus-school-closures-educational-opportunity
So take this opportunity for your children to spend a lot of time directing their own play. It is okay for your children to not have anything to do. They will find creative ways to fill that time.
Notes about Remote Learning at Milne Grove:
- Your first through third grade child can expect one Morning Mindfulness video from me to watch each week. He/she should click the “turn in” button after watching it.
- Your kindergartener can expect one Second Step video from me to watch each week. He/she should click the “turn in” button after watching it.
Please reach out to me for anything you want to talk about or with which you might need some assistance. Email or call me any time any day!
I will be available to reply to emails and voice mails and take phone calls at least every weekday from 9:00 - 10:00 and 1:00 - 2:00. These are my “Office Hours” for remote learning.
Talk to you soon!
~Mrs. Reynolds
[email protected]
815.838.0542 ext. 2103
February 2020 Family Game Night
How are your family dinners? Are you enjoying better communication with your child(ren)? Do you want to keep the family together after dinner, too?
Then it’s time to begin a Family Game Night!
Family game nights are a great way to spend time together. In my family we sometimes had a designated night, such as Friday Game Night. Other times we planned a game day after a holiday, such as the day after Thanksgiving. However you wish to do it, be intentional about planning time for playing games as a family.
Some of our family favorites are Qwerkle, Clue, Uno Attack, Scrabble Slam, Apples to Apples Junior, Say Anything, and a simple game of spoons. I spoke to some other parents and their favorite games are Sequence and Monopoly.
I love games for the face to face interaction we get, how we get to experience each other’s sense of humor, and for the memories we build. In fact, a parent told me just yesterday that she asked her children about their favorite family vacation. Her three kids are all teenagers. They have had some great vacations including a trip to Disney. (She thought Disney was a shoe in for their favorite, but she was very surprised by their answer!) All three teenagers remember their favorite vacation as a time they were in a small cabin with no TV and no WiFi. They loved that the family played board games! Don’t underestimate the great memories you build when playing games as a family. Even if your older children are teens and roll their eyes about playing a board game, on the inside they might be loving every minute of it!
In addition to the great conversations and laughs, there are many other benefits to playing games! Most board games build social and emotional skills, like sportsmanship, and many of them also build executive functioning skills. Executive functions are the processes in our brains that help us accomplish tasks. We use them when we plan our day, organize our materials, begin a chore, do an errand, focus on important information, use our time wisely, and work through a problem until we accomplish the goal.
Our children practice planning, time management and flexibility when they play with a timer in games such as Pictionary Kids. They have to plan what they will draw, manage their time as the timer goes down, and be flexible and change their strategy when others aren’t guessing correctly. If you play Jenga you are helping your kids build skills in self-control, flexibility, and planning while having a fun time. Planning and organization is required because to play Scrabble Slam as kids need to build off of each others’ words as the game progresses. Do you remember Simon Says? Paying attention is an important executive function that we practice when we play Simon Says and it doesn’t require a board game, a table, or even much time. We can play it almost anywhere.
Ask your fellow parents, “What are your family’s favorite games?”
Read my blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/ and contact Mrs. Reynolds at [email protected]!
January 2020 Family Dinners
Here I go again reminding parents that the relationships you have with your children are immensely important! Well, whatever is worth stating might be worth stating more than once.
To build close, nurturing relationships, please consider this request: have family dinners. Eating together as a family and using some of that time for children to feel listened to, is great for your relationship, your child’s brain, your family’s mental health, and your family’s physical health. It’s one practical thing that has more than a few benefits!
There are 20 years of research that confirm this: sitting down for a meal together is great for the brain, the body, and the spirit. Here are some scientifically proven benefits:
- Higher self-esteem
- Better academic performance
- Higher grades
- Bigger vocabulary
- Greater sense of resilience
- Better nutrition
- Lower risk of substance abuse
- Lower risk of teen pregnancy
- Lower risk of depression
- Lower likelihood of developing eating disorders
- Lower rates of obesity
It might be best to turn off all of the screens, so everyone feels important. (It is true that people are more important than electronics.) But if there’s a program your family wants to watch together, and it sparks conversation, then great! The academic and mental health benefits come from your family members connecting. Silent dinners are not what I have in mind. Neither are dinners where people are arguing or scolding. Take time to find out about each other’s days and enjoy one another.
Feel free to play games to get the talking flowing. “Two truths and a Lie” is fun for family members of all ages. Each person shares three things about their day, only two of which are true. Everyone has to guess which story is the lie.
To read more about fun games, how to start conversations, or the research behind these stated benefits, go to thefamilydinnerproject.org
https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/conversation
Check out my blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/ and contact Mrs. Reynolds at [email protected]!
November 2019 Actions Speak Louder than Words
The relationships you build with your children are vastly important to your ability to be an effective parent. All of the effort you put into your relationship with your child will be worth it!
In this newsletter, we have already talked about helping your children label and manage their feelings and how important it is that your children feel listened to. This month, think of characteristics you’d like your children to develop. These may include honesty, kindness, self control, and being unselfish. This mental list is not only a list of traits you want your child to develop, but a list of traits that need to be modeled to your child.
Modeling is teaching. Parents are a child’s first teacher and their lifelong teacher. We learned from our parents modeling behaviors to us. Most of us remember very clearly how our parents acted toward us and what kind of people they were when we were young. We saw how they handled problems and emotions.
Whether you are aware of it or not, every moment that you are with your child, you are modeling behaviors. In every good time and bad time, your children are watching you. The behavior our children see affects them on a daily basis as children tend to imitate behaviors. Also, the behavior we model for our children over a long period of time eventually becomes a part of our children’s regular behavior.
If your child is displaying behaviors that concern you, make sure you are not displaying those behaviors in your life. Now, it’s not that parents’ behavior is 100% responsible for the child’s behavior. Lots of factors play into that, including the child’s age, temperament, and under-developed skills. However, parents’ behavior contributes quite a lot to children’s behavior. So if you tend to shout when you are angry, don’t be surprised when your child shouts or throws a tantrum when he/she is angry.
As parents we need to keep our behaviors and our emotions in check. Please be aware that around the holidays many people experience an increased intensity to their emotions. So pay attention to expressing your emotions in a healthy way. Practice being calm when you are already calm. Then when the hustle and bustle of a stressful day comes along, you can use your strategy to stay calm and model kindness and self-control.
Changing behavior can be difficult and it doesn’t happen overnight (for us or our kids). Just be aware of your emotions, attempt to model healthy behavior, and you are on the right track!
Check out the blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/ and contact Mrs. Reynolds at [email protected]!
In this newsletter, we have already talked about helping your children label and manage their feelings and how important it is that your children feel listened to. This month, think of characteristics you’d like your children to develop. These may include honesty, kindness, self control, and being unselfish. This mental list is not only a list of traits you want your child to develop, but a list of traits that need to be modeled to your child.
Modeling is teaching. Parents are a child’s first teacher and their lifelong teacher. We learned from our parents modeling behaviors to us. Most of us remember very clearly how our parents acted toward us and what kind of people they were when we were young. We saw how they handled problems and emotions.
Whether you are aware of it or not, every moment that you are with your child, you are modeling behaviors. In every good time and bad time, your children are watching you. The behavior our children see affects them on a daily basis as children tend to imitate behaviors. Also, the behavior we model for our children over a long period of time eventually becomes a part of our children’s regular behavior.
If your child is displaying behaviors that concern you, make sure you are not displaying those behaviors in your life. Now, it’s not that parents’ behavior is 100% responsible for the child’s behavior. Lots of factors play into that, including the child’s age, temperament, and under-developed skills. However, parents’ behavior contributes quite a lot to children’s behavior. So if you tend to shout when you are angry, don’t be surprised when your child shouts or throws a tantrum when he/she is angry.
As parents we need to keep our behaviors and our emotions in check. Please be aware that around the holidays many people experience an increased intensity to their emotions. So pay attention to expressing your emotions in a healthy way. Practice being calm when you are already calm. Then when the hustle and bustle of a stressful day comes along, you can use your strategy to stay calm and model kindness and self-control.
Changing behavior can be difficult and it doesn’t happen overnight (for us or our kids). Just be aware of your emotions, attempt to model healthy behavior, and you are on the right track!
Check out the blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/ and contact Mrs. Reynolds at [email protected]!
October 2019 Forming Secure Family Attachments
When children feel secure, a world of possibilities opens up! Unfortunately, building a secure and trusting relationship with your child is harder than keeping a strong lock on the front door. But there are many benefits to children who have secure attachments. Children who feel secure tend to be happier, kinder, and more trusting of others. They have better relationships with parents, siblings, and friends. They do better in school, stay physically healthier, and have more fulfilling relationships as adults.
Parenting for a secure attachment requires being sensitive to what children are feeling. Parents need to help them label, understand, and manage their feelings. When your children are young, begin giving them a wider ‘feelings vocabulary’ so they understand feelings beyond happy, sad, and mad. Children benefit from being able to recognize when they are frustrated, excited, nervous, confused, embarrassed, shy, and disgusted. Introduce new feeling words when your child is ready for a better way to describe his/her feelings.
As parents, we can help children manage their feelings by encouraging them to use deep breathing. In Morning Mindfulness at Milne Grove School, we’ve introduced balloon breath, calm down cocoa, and figure 8 breathing. Many people use music to change their mood. Explore different genres of music with your children and talk about how the different songs make you feel.
While it’s important to help your children label and manage their feelings, it’s also important that your children feel listened to. It’s important that they think you really understand how they feel, or as psychiatrist Dan Siegel says, it’s important that they “feel felt.” It’s important that your child feels you understand his feelings, you love him and understood him, too! This means making sure your child gets the message that his/her feelings are okay. Even when your child acts out, it’s not condoning poor behavior for you to acknowledge that your child has a certain feeling.
Your child will feel secure when he is confident that you completely accept him. Your child needs to know you love her to matter what. You can disapprove of negative behavior, but always love the person. When your child feels loved and accepted, your child carries the confidence that comes from a secure attachment.
Check out the blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/ and contact Mrs. Reynolds at [email protected]!
Parenting for a secure attachment requires being sensitive to what children are feeling. Parents need to help them label, understand, and manage their feelings. When your children are young, begin giving them a wider ‘feelings vocabulary’ so they understand feelings beyond happy, sad, and mad. Children benefit from being able to recognize when they are frustrated, excited, nervous, confused, embarrassed, shy, and disgusted. Introduce new feeling words when your child is ready for a better way to describe his/her feelings.
As parents, we can help children manage their feelings by encouraging them to use deep breathing. In Morning Mindfulness at Milne Grove School, we’ve introduced balloon breath, calm down cocoa, and figure 8 breathing. Many people use music to change their mood. Explore different genres of music with your children and talk about how the different songs make you feel.
While it’s important to help your children label and manage their feelings, it’s also important that your children feel listened to. It’s important that they think you really understand how they feel, or as psychiatrist Dan Siegel says, it’s important that they “feel felt.” It’s important that your child feels you understand his feelings, you love him and understood him, too! This means making sure your child gets the message that his/her feelings are okay. Even when your child acts out, it’s not condoning poor behavior for you to acknowledge that your child has a certain feeling.
Your child will feel secure when he is confident that you completely accept him. Your child needs to know you love her to matter what. You can disapprove of negative behavior, but always love the person. When your child feels loved and accepted, your child carries the confidence that comes from a secure attachment.
Check out the blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/ and contact Mrs. Reynolds at [email protected]!
September 2019 Talking to Your Children
Your children start learning from you as soon as they are born. They develop their ability to communicate primarily from communicating with their parents. Make sure to take the time to talk and listen to them. Everyone has stressors in life and too many things going on, but be sure that at least once each day you give your child undivided attention. Focus on your child and what he/she has to say. Tell yourself not to worry about the things that need to be done. Don’t try to multi-task. Just be in the “here and now” with your child.
Some children really don’t feel like their parents want to listen to them. Show your child you care by making eye contact and nodding, just like we do when our friend or our boss has something important to tell us. Make it your goal to have the child do most of the talking and avoid trying to solve any problems right away. Let your young one explain what happened and how he/she felt. You can say, “tell me more about that,” or “then what happened?”
Of course there are times when your child wants to talk and you can’t stop what you are doing to listen. Clearly communicate to your child that her/his thoughts are important and you want to hear them later. Then make sure you follow up and ask about her/him about what she/he wanted to say.
Don’t waste the time you have in the car while driving with your child. You can’t provide the eye contact that shows people you are listening, but you have a captive audience! No one can get up and leave! So go ahead and turn off the music and ask your child, “what do you want to talk about?” You never know, your child might be more comfortable sharing something in the car precisely because you have your eyes on the road.
The last thought about talking with your children is: no matter what, be sure your child hears you say, “I love you.”
Check out the blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/ and contact Mrs. Reynolds at [email protected]!
Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=3299372">mohamed Hassan</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=3299372">Pixabay</a>
Some children really don’t feel like their parents want to listen to them. Show your child you care by making eye contact and nodding, just like we do when our friend or our boss has something important to tell us. Make it your goal to have the child do most of the talking and avoid trying to solve any problems right away. Let your young one explain what happened and how he/she felt. You can say, “tell me more about that,” or “then what happened?”
Of course there are times when your child wants to talk and you can’t stop what you are doing to listen. Clearly communicate to your child that her/his thoughts are important and you want to hear them later. Then make sure you follow up and ask about her/him about what she/he wanted to say.
Don’t waste the time you have in the car while driving with your child. You can’t provide the eye contact that shows people you are listening, but you have a captive audience! No one can get up and leave! So go ahead and turn off the music and ask your child, “what do you want to talk about?” You never know, your child might be more comfortable sharing something in the car precisely because you have your eyes on the road.
The last thought about talking with your children is: no matter what, be sure your child hears you say, “I love you.”
Check out the blog at http://mrsreynoldsmilnegrove.weebly.com/ and contact Mrs. Reynolds at [email protected]!
Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=3299372">mohamed Hassan</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=3299372">Pixabay</a>